“i wish you could see me now 
i wish i could show you how
i’m not who i was 
i used to be mad at you 
a little on the hurt side too
but i’m not who i was 
i found my way around
to forgiving you
some time ago
but i never got to tell you so 
i found us in a photograph 
i saw me and i had to laugh
you know, i’m not who i was
you were there, you were right above me
and i wonder if you ever loved me
just for who i was
when the pain came back again
like a bitter friend
it was all that i could do
to keep myself from blaming you 
i reckon it’s a funny thing 
i figured out i can sing
now i’m not who i was 
i write about love and such
maybe ’cause i want it so much
i’m not who i was 
i was thinking maybe i
i should let you know 
i am not the same
but i never did forget your name
well the thing i find most amazing
in amazing grace
is the chance to give it out
maybe that’s what love is all about 
i wish you could see me now 
i wish i could show you how
i’m not who i was…”

~ “i’m not who i was”.. by brandon heath

In listening to the honest words of this song this afternoon, one of my friends came to mind. All I could think of was how I wish they could see me now. How I wish they could see my heart and how God is and has been working in my life, changing me and growing me into the one He wants me to be.

I wish I could tell them that it’s not been an easy time, but it has been a great learning process. That I have learned to be content with God’s amazing goodness. I wish I could tell them how many really good conversations I have had with others as a result of our friendship, how I have seen these people look up to me because of the respect I have for them.

If I could talk to them right now, I would share with them that I don’t always understand anymore than I did then, but that I have learned that I don’t always need to understand. All I need is to trust God and rely on His understanding of it all. All I need is to center my life on Him, letting Him direct my every step. [Proverbs 3:5-6]

I’d tell them how much I so miss the closeness of our friendship, but that I am alright with it all, and I would tell them that through it all I have found some very dear friends that I wouldn’t trade for all the world.

I wish I could let them know that I’m not the same as I was. I’m not who I was. I’m so much more confident in who I am in Christ now, as funny as that sounds, because I had really always thought I was extremely confident in who I was in Him. I think I was to a great extent, but the absence of my friend cause me to look deeper into my confidence and let it take root more than ever before. I learned to draw closer to Jesus through this time. I wish I could tell them that, share with them who I am now.

How I wish I could share what’s in my heart with them, because there is so much to tell. Things I’ve discovered along the way from there to here. Little pieces of joy that God has blossomed in my life.

And if they someday stumble upon this reflection from my heart.. well, I don’t need to know. God knows, and that is really all that matters, I guess.

[This is just my reaction after a little over six months since a hard time came up in my life. It probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to most people, but it is just something I needed to write. I shared it without being very specific, because the specifics are not important. The importance is found in what God has been doing in my heart since and through this time, and this is what I wanted to share. It is just an honest spilling of some simple revelations in my heart. Nothing terribly profound, yet sometimes the most touching and important lessons in life are the simplest ones. It is just some words and lessons and things I have realized and learned, things I have found in a sweet humbleness of myself before God.]