It’s been an emotional month.. too emotional, I think. Two sudden, tragic losses — one being very close to my heart, the other being someone I did not know personally but a relation to some friends — have more than caught up with me. Between that and all the thunderstorms lately, it’s really taking a toll. I’m a sunshine girl, and I feel like I need it even more when life keeps spinning more crazily and keeps getting less predictable.

And yes.. I know that life isn’t predictable or controllable.. not by us. Everything is in God’s hands, and He is in control. ALWAYS. When we can easily see it, but also when storm after storm is raging. He is still God, no matter what goes on around us.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” ~ Marianne Williamson, as quoted in the movie Akeelah and the Bee

Marianne Williamson thought that our deepest fear has something to do with the fact that we have the power to make a difference in the world around us. And that can be a scary thought.

However, I think a more frightening thought is this: what if we never realize the ability we have to impact the lives of others? And what if we never make the most of where God has chosen to place us in life?

We are where we are for a reason. God didn’t make a mistake when He placed each of us in this very time and place. Do I ever wish I lived in another era? Sure.. sometimes I think that would be nice. But then I remember that He’s placed me here and now for a specific purpose.

Why? I really wish I knew the specifics of why I’ve been chosen to be in this time and place where there have been so many tragedies lately. And why the past year and a half have been so roller-coaster-like. What with 2 job losses for my dad, brain tumors and other cancers in more people close to me, the death of a sweet friend from Edison, inconsistencies in my own job, and now learning to deal with not one but two very young people who thought their best option was to take life and death into their own hands… it’s definitely not been my favorite seventeen month span of time. If you don’t believe me, browse over my posts over the past year and a half.

I’m not complaining.. not meaning to, anyway. But I just kinda wish I knew a reason for the piling up of everything. A reason as to why, if all of these things have to happen, do they all have to happen right here and now? I know I can’t sit here playing the “what if” game, but somewhere in my mind, I can’t help wondering if just maybe I could have made more of a difference in that life that ended so suddenly a little over a month ago… or how I might have been able to.

There is a reason it’s all been over this short of a timespan.. and I feel like I need to discover this reason. There is something I can do, some purpose for God placing me exactly here and now, in the midst of all of this. I need to find out what it is. That’s the topic of much prayer right now.. it’s a sort of mission I have to embark on.

The circumstances I’ve been thrown among over these past few weeks haven’t surprised God like they have me. They haven’t made Him overreact to every little stupid thing that comes up. They haven’t made Him stop, with His jaw dropped, and say, “WHAT just happened?” They haven’t knocked Him off His feet. And I am so glad. I’m so glad that He knows what is going on and why, even when I have no idea, and it makes my heart glad that He forgives and loves me still — when I wonder why, when I doubt, when I overreact, when I mess up… no matter what, He loves me the same, and that makes me smile. 🙂

“Is your mind too small to understand your worth? How does being chosen make you feel?” – Ted Dekker

You’re worth so much. Don’t forget it. Ever. God wants to use you in this time and place for something amazing, something that He’s planned for you. He’s chosen you so specifically for it that He put you in the exact space you are right now for that reason.

And as for fear… well, “there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” — 1 John 4:18, NIV

Please keep on praying for Jon and his family.. and catch up with his story if you haven’t already. His next MRI is coming up later this month.