“Sometimes we just have to obey without having all of our questions answered.” This statement, said by a 7-year-old boy that I babysit and posted by his mother on facebook on Saturday, struck me hard. Really, really hard.

Because.. honestly, sometimes I don’t want to obey. And that “sometimes” increases when I don’t have my questions answered.

Obedience should be so simple. I know that God knows what He is doing, and so my automatic choice should be to obey Him.

However, to just let go of all and obey in something that is so contrary to my own will.. and without knowing any answers to the questions that so abound in my heart.. I cannot even begin to describe how difficult that is for me.

“how long must i pray
must i pray to You?
how long must i wait
must i wait for You?
how long till i see Your face
see You shining through
i’m on my knees
begging You to notice me
i’m on my knees
Father, will You turn to me

one tear in the driving rain
one voice in a sea of pain
could the Maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart
one life, that’s all i am
right now i can barely stand
if You’re everything You say You are
would You come close and hold my heart

i’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
so much can slip away before i say goodbye
but if there’s no other way
i’m done asking why
so many questions without answers
Your promises remain
i can’t see but I’ll take my chances
to hear You call my name
to hear You call my name”

~ “hold my heart”, by tenth avenue north

Even when I’m without answers to my questions, I know His promises still remain. I know He will keep those promises. It’s not my job to question that or to worry about what His kept promises will end up looking like. It is just my job to obey.

Without question.

Even when it’s hard.

Even when I really, honestly, truly plain old don’t want to.

And I know that, while that kind of obedience is very often incredibly painful, God will bless that obedience… and He will bless it beyond my imagination.

That doesn’t mean I like it, and it doesn’t mean I have to like it. But I do think it means that He will help me to find good, even in the midst of uncertainties and some of the least fun experiences of obedience I have ever had in my life. It means delighting wholly in Him, not just partially or what I might think at the moment is wholly. It means finding who I am in Him and Him alone. Because I cannot really obey any other way.

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Thank you so much for all your prayers for Jon and his family. Please keep on praying as his next scans are coming up in May, and if you’re not familiar or caught up with his story, I’ve tried to keep it up to date.