“we’ve met half a dozen times
i know your name i know you don’t know mine
but i won’t hold that against you
you come here every friday night
i take your order and try to be polite
and hide what i’ve been going through
if you looked me right in the eye
would you see the pain deep inside
would you take the time to

tell me what i need to hear
tell me that i’m not forgotten
show me there’s a God
who can be more than all i’ve ever wanted
‘cause right now i need a little hope
i need to know that i’m not alone
maybe God is calling you tonight
to tell me something
that might save my life

i’m the pastor at your church
for all these years you’ve listened to my words
you think i know all the answers
but i’ve got doubts and questions too
behind this smile i’m really just like you
afraid and tired and insecure
if you look me right in the eye
would you see the real me inside
would you take the time to…

save my life..

i am just like everyone
Jesus i need You, i need Your Love
to save my life…”

~ “save my life”.. by sidewalk prophets

When I first heard this song a few weeks ago, I was in the midst of making peach jam. I’d decided to youtube some music to listen to while I worked. I searched “Sidewalk Prophets” because I knew they had a new cd out.. and this song came up.

As I listened to the words, my jam-making shifted to the back of my mind, because my thoughts went to Kristina.. and to how I miss her.. and to all the stuff she kept inside her.

No matter how many times I see the pictures of her in their spots throughout my home, they never fail to churn my thoughts and wonder what I personally could have done better for her. There is never a day that passes without missing this girl. My other little sister.

I think a lot of people live with the mindset that they are doing enough. Even that they’re doing all they can. That they cannot possibly make a difference in someone’s life. Not a difference that would actually matter. I think a lot of people think that since they aren’t actively poking fun at someone, that is plenty. But it isn’t.

People need more than apathy from us. They need love. Love in action.

People need others to care.. but more than that, to prove that they care. Sometimes that means action as simple as a smile. It means actually listening and paying attention for the answer when you ask someone how they’re doing. It means a hug. It means seeking them out to check up on them. It means being a friend however they need it.

And lest I sound like I have it all together, let me assure you that I do not. At all. I feel like I should by now, especially after having lost a sweet friend due to lack of observation and lack of understanding between her and so many.

And yet I don’t.

I find myself in conversation with people sometimes where I just can’t figure out what my role is supposed to be. Where the role I need to have in that person’s life and the role they think they want me in are two distinctly separate places. Where I am trying to be a friend because I know they need friends in a major way and I know that is something I can do, but I honestly don’t know what that looks like. And I feel like the frustration that results from these conversations where I just am at a loss.. sometimes that might come across looking like I’m not paying attention or even like I’m making fun. When I hate to sound that way. When I honestly, deeply, sincerely do want to be a friend.. but I just don’t know how.

I need to be a hope-giver. As a Jesus-follower, sharing His hope and grace with others should be something that radiates from me. Because the more I walk with Him, the more in-step I am with the Holy Spirit, the more His fruits grow in me.

My life cannot be lived out on the sidelines, and I really don’t want it to be.

Silence and lack of action is a form of showing approval. Even if I claim to be firmly against something, if I take no action to stop it, and instead just stand by and watch as it happens, that is, in a way, approving it. Because I’m letting it happen without making any move against it.

That is not the way I choose for my life to be. And so I choose to take action, to try to be a friend, even when I don’t know what that is meant to look like in certain situations. I choose to be intentional about my life and about loving others as Jesus does.

Some days I have trouble finding how I can actively love others, but my prayer is that I am becoming more Christ-like in the way I love people and in the way I live.

My brother’s new EP has some songs he’s written in response to losing our friend. You should check it out: http://sundayafternoons.bandcamp.com/