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“today is not a good day
stranded in the heartache
watching all the world race
and pass me by

like a wave on the ocean
comes a flood of emotion
and it cant go unspoken
no it cant go unspoken one more time

we fall apart just to come alive
a broken heart can shatter all the lies
a brand new start and a goodbye
we fall apart just to come alive

yeah but this is still a good life
standing in the sunlight
scattering a long line
of fear and shame
’cause underneath the surface
there’s a heart and a purpose
and i swear that its worth it
yeah i swear that its worth it
it’s not in vain

we fall apart just to come alive
a broken heart can shatter all the lies
a brand new start and a goodbye
we fall apart just to come alive
just to come alive

You save me
You save me
i’m alive, i’m alive
’cause you save me

we fall apart just to come alive
a broken heart can shatter all the lies
a brand new start and a goodbye
we fall apart just to come alive
just to come alive..”

~ “we fall apart”.. bebo norman

When everything falls apart, when nothing is as it seems it should be.. that’s when I can become truly alive. Because it is at that moment that I have no tattered thread left to grab onto, nothing left to squeeze between my fingers.. and I have no choice but to let go.

All that time, I knew in my heart that the only thing we needed to be doing — the only thing I should be doing — was to trust God. Still.. something inside always seems to urge me to keep hold for as long as I could. I guess it’s my instinct. A fear of falling, of sorts. Like I could do anything if I fell anyway.

There comes a moment in time, though, where the only thing left is to realize and so very deliberately choose to unclench my fingers and drop all these things I thought I had a good grip on.. or tried to have a good grip on.. and give them back to Him.

Even though, really, He had them the entire time. Just in my own blindness, I couldn’t see that. Or rather, I guess I blocked that from my vision and chose not to see it. Not consciously, but it was still a choice.

I feel like I write about the same thing over and over and over, but it’s something so real in life right now.. something that is so neverending. I wish this was a lesson I could learn and then check off a list, moving on to the next topic and lesson. That’s not the way it works though. This is something I’m going to have to live out for the rest of my life, and so I must keep learning, keep choosing to put it into practice, keep getting back up every time I slip, keep opening my fingers back up to give it all back to God. I’ve got to keep pouring out my heart to Him. Always. This stuff isn’t a story with an ending. It’s life.. part of such a real everyday life.

Today I was, yet again, overwhelmed by the kindness and love of others. My parents’ church was having a huge event today… they were fixing cars to get them ready for winter for families that couldn’t afford it. They fixed one of ours that was just getting ready to go get looked at because the “service engine soon” light came on. They fixed the cars, and while you waited, they served breakfast (or lunch, etc, depending on the time you were there), had a place for kids to play and get their face painted, gave haircuts, had a whole spa room set up with hand wax treatments and massages, back massage, make-up, nail-painting, facial masks, more food, etc. They had little bags that they gave out at the end too.

It’s not that it surprised me, because it really didn’t. It’s an amazing church, and I love it. The people are very genuine in who they are and in their love for God and others. It isn’t that I wanted to turn it down, and neither is it that I wanted anything done for me. It’s just the experience that is so overwhelming. The love.

It’s a good kind of overwhelming.. but overwhelming nevertheless.

See, I’ve always been on the other end.. the service side. The one to give, the one to serve. The one to step up quietly and just start doing something that needs done. Not to be noticed or praised, not to check my name off on a list of volunteers. Just because I enjoy doing things for others. I still am this way, and I still volunteer in many areas. I still enjoy giving to others and just generally doing whatever I can to help out.

To experience the love and kindness that others show..

To have people fixing your cars, giving you tons of stuff, giving you Thanksgiving and Christmas day meals, paying your electric bill, sending anonymous checks, walking up and handing you money or sending it in Christmas cards, cutting your hair, just treating you like a princess, giving you $300 and saying “do something fun with this”…

See, I’ve always known God’s love for me was big, and I’ve experienced that so constantly in my relationship with Him. These are such practical implementations of His beautiful love.

Just like this:

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:16-18, TNIV

I want my every single breath to show that love. Not one second ever letting it fade. I want to be so relentless in the way I show His love to others in practical ways.

That love, and that trust in God, together are what make me come truly alive. It takes saying goodbye to who I once was and whatever it was my heart thought it desired. It takes letting go and letting everything I have ever tried to do on my own fall apart. It takes becoming so broken before Him that I know He’s the only one able to ever put me back together, and it takes letting Him put my heart together back together in the way that only He can. It takes a new start.

It takes delighting in Him and letting Him shape my heart’s desires.. and then, in His time, He will fill them exactly as they need to be filled.

“Take delight in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.” ~ Psalm 37:4, TNIV

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Thank you so much for your every prayer for Jon and his family. His latest scans were last Monday, and all is stable. Please keep on praising, praying, and believing for his next scans to be great. Praise for all the healing that has been taking place and pray that it will continue, with no returning tumors. If you’re not familiar with this family, please take a few minutes to catch up on his story. Also, please continue praying for a job for my daddy. We are still waiting. Please keep praying, praising, and believing. God is big.